carter's little liver pills

I.

in downtown brattleboro vermont there are about two streets. one of them is main street. the other one is called elliot street. on elliot street theres a huge billboard of an old man with a wooden stick pushing along a wooden hula hoop like some sort of kid. only kids do that stuff. only a kid would push around a wooden hula hoop with a stick, okay. when you are walking down the street you might encounter some kid and this kid might push their hula hoop right into you because they were so absorbed they just were not paying attention. the person who does this will always be a kid an old man would never play with a stick and a wooden hula hoop like that. under the old man on the billboard who was not a kid although he was pushing a wooden hula hoop with a stick it said- "the morning after taking carter's little liver pills."

This thing is big. if you have ever been to brattleboro you have seen it, no question. if you asked someone from brattleboro about carters little liver pills they would tell you about an old man pushing around a wooden hula hoop, no question. there's no question if they would know about it because its so big and so old everybody has seen it. Ask an old timer--even they know it since they were a kid. do a google image search its going to be right there. everyone knows about it.

II.

tonight I was at amelia's house reading a cartoon porn from 194o or so. one of them, the first one, the thing started out- "OK we're gonna start this story with some guy cavortinging with a deer". it is from 19forty this thing is like an antique or something. its a like a johnny ryan cartoon except its from '42 or something. this thing is an artifact. it is an artifact and it was all about a guy, lonnie, having sex with deers. a woman named suzanne is fucking her man but he is preoccupied he says "hey where the hell did lonnie go. suzanne would you help me find lonnie," and she says "ah shit, okay." because really she does not give a crap about lonnie she just wants to fuck this dude right now but you know he is concerned so she has to help him really. she rides off and finds lonnie quick and sure enough he is having sex with a deer. suzanne thinks to herself- "damn, well this guy is fucking deers. I bet he would get me off as I am an extremely attractive, self-confident cowgirl rough and tumble bad ass woman." but the guy does not even care about her he just loves his deer so much.

anyway that is not the point. the point is the other story is called miss loose leadpipe i think that is what it is called. miss leadpipe is from arkansas and she goes to the big city- L.A.--los angeles. she goes there to become a movie star and ends up having sex with a guy who promises to get her a gig. really to some extent she does not care so much about the gig and she just has an insatiable appetite for sex. this guy blows his load twice he cant even handle her and just then some bigwig comes into the office--he's called mr. nips mc schnozenstein. nips mc schnoz is like "bartleby the scrivener what are you doing in my office!!!!". nips' gigantic grimy nose can smell sex from a mile away anywhere along vermont avenue. leadpipe is quite pleased about that because this other guy--the first one--he is totally spent. useless.

nips mc schnozenstein does not lose a beat he pulls out his hammer head dick and in a minute they are doing all manner of fuck acrobats all over the page before mr. spent can barely even get out of the room. soon nips blows it too. miss loose says "shit!" so mr. schnozenstein grabs both of her butt-halves one in each hand from below and puts her cunt up to his face. his gigantic schnoz hits her clit in just the right way and she has a quivering quaver orgasm. just then the bellhop comes in with a telegram for loose. "what the fuck are you doing in here!" says an enraged mr. schnozenstein to the bellhop as though schnoz thinks he is some sort of angry elephant. however before the bellhop can say anything nips mc schnozenstein has a natural premonition through an itch on his gigantic nose. here is what he divines- the leadpipe family back in arkansas are getting their mortgage foreclosed by bank stooge beardery sweet tooth. any minute now the leadpipes are going to get kicked to the curb by mr. beard tooth. not a word comes out of the bellhops mouth before nips is already saying "how much will it cost" to the lovely lady the fair miss loose leadpipe.

miss leadpipe charters the next plane to arkansas and the two fuck in the back of the stage car all the way to the airport. she gets home and the first thing she does is set ten grand down on the leadpipe family kitchen table. that is even twice what the mortgage is. you know what though miss loose could not give a fuck. she has got it fucking made. she has got some clit nose dreamboat to throw cash at her and make her a movie star in hollywood. who cares what a driveling bloodsucker bankman beardery sweet tooth is. let him have his money.

anyway the point of this is somewhere in the story somebody says "my! that miss loose leadpipe has got about more of a libido than carter has got liver pills!" i thought that was funny. these days who could make sense of that unless they have been to brattleboro. you need to be at least maybe seventy six years old to make sense of it. i dont think carter has many liver pills any more. seems like hes sold off his whole stock because i will tell you i cant find them anywhere. my! the druggist has got about as many liver pills than carter has got liver pills! that is none because carter sold them all.

III.

When I got home that night I looked up this old website I used to post at where teenagers draw porn on the computer and put it up on the internet. It works like an internet message board but instead of threads or topics there is pictures instead. It is really great; it is a very popular one. I could recognize some old timers--people from the good old days still drawing away. There used to be a pretty big furry contingent but that seems to have mostly died down in favor of hetero anime porn. How yiffapointing, am I right! Ha ha anyway I drew some queer folks going at it. I figured it might spice things up but now I am thinking maybe I should have made them fox people. I can not say I was ever very involved with furry culture but I would be glad to know it is still going strong.

I also saw some of these folks have started a whole porn website where they draw comic books and put them up and people pay by the month to read them. I read one of the samples. It was about a boy that pays so much tribute to the mystical forces of internet porn that internet porn sends ambassador tiny porn faerie to fulfill a wish. This faerie is really pretty cute. She has got little wings and a faerie heart wand and a U S B cable tail--it is really very adorable. Anyway, she takes one look at this guy's porn and immediately notices he is into tiny, micro sized girls. She is like: "Hey you and I should totally do it!" She does not even have to wave her wand or anything; how perfect. They are getting each other off and everything is going great but then he comes and she gets shot off all the way to the other side of the room. When he finally finds her she is so dizzy she has little swirly eye balls.

IV.

There was a guy named Xod on that message board and I remember him especially fondly. It seemed he was sexually excited by just about anything of his choosing. No matter what anyone would draw he just loved it. I could never tell if he had this amazing ravenous insatiable horniness or if he did it to support people. Sometimes it did not even matter if somebody’s picture was sexual or not "wow. I think that lamp shade is totally hot! I am imagining wearing it on my head right now. It must be such a sexy lamp shade because I am incredibly turned on by It." that is the kind of stuff he would say. He would write that stuff on every single picture up in the place. It was astounding. It did not even matter to him. Xod taught me a lot about sexuality. He taught me sexuality is something that is often weird, inexplicable, totally crazy--and that's OK. No matter how weird my own sexuality was I knew it could never be as strange as this guy Xod. Nothing fazed him. Nothing could gross him out and everything turned him on. It was really a beautiful thing and I very much admire him for that. He lives in Athens, Greece. I do not think I have ever met anyone quite like him in flesh and blood. I never knew if he was for real. What matters is what he taught me--that's real--and I am grateful for it.